Tired and a bit worn this past Tuesday after my vaccine, I didn’t venture out of my apartment until late afternoon for a trip to the local organic grocery store. With only a few items on my shopping list, I thought about waiting until the following day. But, why do tomorrow what can be done today?

Walking along the neighborhood park and winding up an adjacent side street, I arrived on the main boulevard in the south of Cologne. Instantly, I noticed other people. Yes, other people. I really noticed them. I felt them. And I experienced a boost of joy inside of myself from being around people.

I have always liked people. However, I haven’t always known how to connect with them. And there, suddenly, on Main Street in the south of Cologne, the radiance from simply being around other people struck me in my post-vaccine daze. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t smile at anyone. I simply felt joy from being around other people.

Maybe you’ve always connected with people. Maybe you were nominated the high school prom king or queen, maintained all of your friendships from childhood and college, promoted throughout all of your professional positions, and now live with your spouse and kids in a wonderful community where your closest friends live on your block. However, for those of us who have not necessary felt like we’ve fit into the world, my experience was a big deal.

In truth, I have connected with many people before. The evolving element is how I connect with others. It isn’t based on co-dependency. It isn’t based on other people’s needs. It isn’t based on connecting with other people in order to feel love and approval. The way I connect is transforming through the inside out. As I become more grounded in who I am, self-nurturing, more attentive to my needs, and natural rhythm, the essence of my being, my force of life within, is more able to connect with life around me.

Over the last two days, I haven’t been able to sit in my apartment and write on my computer for hours and hours. I’ve needed to go outside. I just wanted to be out in the world with other people. In cafes, restaurants, stores, parks, anywhere. I also haven’t used my bike as transportation. Instead, I strolled at my body’s natural pace and with the surrounding flow of life. I discovered stores, restaurants, art galleries, houses, and historical monuments that I had passed without seeing in detail dozens of times previously. I cannot imagine what I’d be missing if I had my car here.

The central point of this blog is that I like people and connect with them. Yes, everything we ever need to know, we learned in kindergarten. I told you my nephew and niece have all the answers.

I got knocked up last night by 9 million rockin’ dendritic cells. And did they kick my butt. I was knocked down within hours as I surrendered to bed overcome by flu-like symptoms, including a low-grade fever, significant aches and pains, and intense chills. My discomfort lasted throughout the night as I woke up every few hours peering at my clock and wishing the pain away. Since few things are linear in life, my fifth dendritic cell vaccine may have presented the most uncomfortable vaccine experience yet. And with a degree of grace, I knew my discomfort was a transitory event. (Okay, I was also thinking that I really needed some major retail therapy to aid my recovery.) Perhaps more than anything else, the intensity of my experience in Cologne has further taught me that all things in life are temporary. Attachment to experiences, perceptions, emotions, and even people works against the natural flow of life.

I was psyched to have 9 million dendritic cells in yesterday’s vaccine number 5, compared to 2.7 million in vaccine number 4. I asked Dr. Gorter to explain the dramatic shift in numbers throughout my vaccine experience. He doesn’t know. The human body, in its vast magnificence, sometimes functions outside of a definable framework.

My treatments, and time in Cologne, will come to an end in less than two months. Reflecting back to one year ago, I could hardly see myself having arrived at this destination. Research, careful planning, a steadfast focus, incredible support from a lot of people, and my willingness to make a somewhat calculated leap into the unknown have allowed me to have this amazing life experience. Gratitude abounds, to many, including myself.

To all of my fantastic blog readers, I invite you to check out my new Q&A entitled “What is the Type C coping style and how can I learn more about it?”

After three weeks off, I had another hyperthermia treatment with infusions last Thursday. I felt so wonderful after my treatment. My body and being felt strong, clear, and energized. After a discussion with my docs, we decided that I’ll now have hyperthermia and infusions once weekly. Alas, so much for my treatment hiatus.

Due to my viral infection, my blood draw for my next vaccine was postponed almost two weeks. After the results from my stool test showed no bacteria or viruses, I had the blood draw this past Monday, and will receive my fifth vaccine on October 23rd.

I mentioned in my September 15th blog that the clinic would repeat my immune status testing. I had my blood drawn on September 18th. However, someone dropped the ball somewhere along the line, and only my immune status testing was performed, and not my immune function. (My understanding is that immune status testing has to do with thymus function and the number of natural killer cells, while immune status function relates to natural killer cell function.) I was then told that there was a delay in the laboratory blood analysis of my immune status, and because my blood sat without being tested for several hours, the results were not considered accurate. My immune status test will be repeated with the immune function test. Since I was sick with the viral infection, my blood draw for these tests has been delayed until October 23rd.

Earlier this month, Dr. Gorter and I chatted about my treatment progress and next steps. I expressed overwhelm through my words and tears for the uncertainty about the treatments’ efficacy. Although my deepest sense is that the treatments are producing healing, the ultimate proof comes from the MRI scan, which is a mere photograph in the schema of life. During our conversation, Dr. Gorter sat with my questions and fear. In the most candid tone and demeanor, Dr. Gorter said he is confident that my condition can be reversed with time. He also explained that the results of the treatments against low-grade disease take longer to show up. Complete tumor eradication after six months would be amazing. In my intentions, I hold the image of a clear November 2006 MRI scan of my brain. That is my goal. And if my goal isn’t achieved then, I’ll get there.

Sometimes I don’t want to be where I am. I feel stuck. In these moments, I expend energy dreaming about somewhere else that seems more appealing. But when I stop fighting what is, I’m able to relax into myself and find the opening. There is always a little light that I can enter leading me into the next chapter or phase of my journey.

I’ve been sick for over a week and a half. The clinic has now tested my stool for bacteria and viruses, and the results are pending. I’ve spent several fleeting moments feeling very frustrated and even sorry for myself about being sick. It is not just the gastroenteritis viral infection, but also that on top of dealing with other aspects of my health for so many years. It feels like my entire adult life that I’ve been immersed in illness, and the quest for wellness. Sometimes I feel like my life is passing me by when I’m sick. And sometimes I feel like my life is passing me by when I’m not “sick.” In both scenarios, life feels like struggle.

I know that when I’m caught in any type of pattern, such as illness, the universe is presenting me with an opportunity to learn and grow. I’ve also come to understand that when I have life experiences that repeat themselves over and over, I need to change something in myself to alter what I perceive as an energetic pattern. This is tricky territory, as I don’t blame myself or anyone else for being sick or “attracting” specific types of adversity. With that said, I believe that patterns can be changed by eliminating the original agreement and belief system that created the potential for the malady, and subsequently creating a new program, or belief system, in support of life.

I believe that each person has access to his or her original blueprint that contains perfect health. In this blueprint, the individual is whole. It is this wholeness that I’m aspiring toward. I’ve learned for myself that this wholeness is severely compromised through co-dependency, lack of personal boundaries, taking on other people’s energies, and embodying a belief system that is contrary to health.

In the original blueprint, the immune system, which is the human body’s natural protector against disease, is working optimally. In this state, the immune system is able to recognize dangerous substances in the body such as cancer cells and destroy them. In order to work effectively, the immune system must distinguish between self and non-self, or healthy cells versus diseased cells. However, cancer develops when this process goes awry. That is, diseased cells grow when the immune system is unable to recognize non-self and act accordingly to protect self.

Gabor Mate, M.D., in When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection, explains, “The first essential task of the immune system, too, is distinguishing self from non-self. Thus immunity also begins with recognition. Recognition is a sensory function, performed in the nervous system by the sensory organs. We may rightly say that the immune system is also a sensory organ. Any failure of the immune system in its responsibility of recognition would expose us to as much danger as we would face if our capacities to see, hear, feel or taste were impaired. Another function of the immune system is memory. The immune system must also have memory: it needs to recall what in the external world is benign and nourishing, what is neutral and what is potentially toxic.”

Internal confusion about self versus non-self may be related to the development of cancer. Science tells us about cancer developing when our own cells divide. Maybe cancer cells divide when the individual splits away from his or her true self. And this dishonoring of one’s true self and lack of authenticity is the epitome of the Type C coping style. On the other hand, by honoring one’s true self and coming fully into one’s wholeness, cancer cells may not thrive in the same divisive environment.

And this is exactly what I’m striving to accomplish. I am focused on coming into my wholeness and embodying my full self. I am seeing with more specificity how I’ve taken on certain energies and belief systems that are not my own. And some of it is not of this lifetime. Yes, I am aware of past lives and how previous lifetimes influence me today. The details might be shared another time, and likely in another format. For now, I’ll convey that my insights about other energies, belief systems, and past lives didn’t just show up last week. I’ve been aware of some of it for many years. I know that some people will not be able to embrace what I’m saying. However, I need to speak my truth in the pursuit of authenticity and healing, for others and myself.

By choosing authenticity, I’m able to dwell in my innate wholeness. I decide whether or not I am whole. Without a doubt, this is a choice. Going into remission, or being cured of cancer, may not be a choice. However, healing through the embodiment of one’s brilliantly unique, authentic, whole self is available to each and every one of us.

I have the strong sense that the viral infection is somehow aiding my healing process. Given my circumstances, I’m psyched about the fever I had last week. Fever is a very strong tool against cancer. In a November 2, 2002 New Scientist article called “Dr. Coley’s Famous Fever,” Stephen Hoption Caann, an epidemiologist at the University of British Columbia, says the immune system works at its best during a fever when the body produces more immune cells. Dr. William Coley, a surgeon at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York in the late 1800s, knew this well, and used fever to successfully treat so-called terminal cancer patients. He noted that cancer patients who had infections and fevers miraculously recovered from fatal cancers. As a result, Dr. Coley created a cocktail with bacteria that he injected into patients, who then developed fevers and had their cancer disappear.

I can only hope that my fever helped wipe out my former tumor. Dr. Gorter remarked that my 3-day fever also indicated the flexibility and strength of my immune system to defend itself against the viral infection. In addition, colds and flus are the body’s natural way of cleaning out what doesn’t belong. Several healthcare practitioners that I’ve consulted with over the years inquired if I got sick as a child. A growing body of evidence suggests that there is a correlation between infections, fevers, and cancer. That is, the more infections people have, and especially with fever, the less likely they are to have some cancers. The human body truly has an elaborate and powerful innate healing capacity. Our bodies are wise enough to self-repair, but sometimes need a push in that direction.

Do Western medical therapies suppress the body’s self-healing mechanism? Chemotherapy and radiation damage the immune system, although I understand why many cancer patients choose these therapies. They believe it is their only option. It is the easier route. Sometimes it works. And that is what insurance companies pay for. However, there is another cost from chemotherapy and radiation to the immune system and body as a whole. The toxicity from these treatments also explains why it isn’t exactly logical to combine them with immunotherapy.

Aspirin, which has been traditionally used against fever, also suppresses the body’s self-healing mechanism. Fevers are activated in the body for important reasons, including burning away unwanted visitors. Unfortunately, the more the immune system becomes suppressed, including with flu shots, the more the immune system becomes confused about its function. This has a detrimental long-term impact on health.

Some aspects of the Western lifestyle in United States, which is my place of upbringing and orientation, don’t support the self-healing mechanism. For one, the American workplace provides employees with a limited number of sick days, and usually just one week of vacation to start. Before I became self-employed three years ago, I had more than one boss suggest that I take aspirin when I was sick, or some other chemical concoction. I was wanted back in the office, pronto. I always preferred to let my body do its thing and follow its own wisdom. The workforce in Germany, on the other hand, provides an unlimited amount of sick days (I don’t know if this is with every employer), and on average at least four weeks of vacation starting out in a job.

Germany provides universal healthcare to all of the nation’s citizens, just like every other country in Europe. I have a German friend with a potentially life-threatening medical condition. She is unable to work, but still has quality health insurance that is less than two hundred Euros per month. My friend is currently at a health spa in Germany for the entire month of October where medical doctors and alternative practitioners are treating her. Along with high tech treatments, she will receive therapies such as massage and have the opportunity to relax in therapeutic waters. And, the entire month of treatments, her lodging, and transportation are covered by her health insurance.

This is very different from the United States of America, “the land of the free.” In the United States, sick people are often given the most minimal healthcare insurance plans available, if they can even afford them. In the summer of 2003, I was diagnosed with acute Epstein Barr virus, and took a leave of absence from my job two months later on short-term disability. After my eleven weeks or so on disability, I was still very sick and my doctor wouldn’t release me back to work. My employer subsequently laid me off, health insurance included. My best option for health insurance at that juncture was COBRA, which is available due to a U.S. federal law that provides temporary continuation of health coverage at group rates. I then started my business, Healing Focus, which I dreamed up staring at my ceiling when I was sick in bed with the Epstein-Barr. Fortunately, I was able to earn money working part-time from my home, which was all I could handle physically.

My COBRA ran out after a year and a half, and I then applied for individual health insurance through the state of California. As a result of my medical history, I was denied the comprehensive coverage plan I requested. However, since I had continuity of coverage from my previous plan, the insurance company was legally required to offer me at least minimal coverage. I pay almost $500 per month for health insurance that is bare bones, and not even paying one penny for my treatments at the Medical Center of Cologne. And now, they are trying to kick me out of the plan because I’m residing outside of California temporarily. I have spent several hours over the last week when I’ve felt utterly sick with my viral infection printing out forms, filling them out, writing letters, and mailing these material to ensure they arrive in California next week to meet the deadline of response imposed by my insurance company. It is disgusting.

At least I have some health insurance coverage. According to the 2006 U.S. Census report, approximately 46.6 million Americans, or 15.9 percent of Americans, were uninsured in 2005. How can a country that is so rich not provide its citizens with healthcare?

Even after Hillary Clinton’s failed attempt at universal healthcare in the 1990s, there are continuing U.S. efforts in that direction. The California State Senate approved legislation to provide universal healthcare to all Californians this past August. However, in September, Governor Schwarzenegger vetoed this bill due to his dislike of “socialized medicine” and associated costs. A report commissioned by the Lewin group stated that a program like the one approved by the California State Senate would save California approximately $8 billion in the first year. Imagine, saving money, and providing healthcare! According to the California Healthcare Foundation, 1 in 5 Californians are without any health insurance coverage. People between the ages of 21-24 are most likely to be uninsured, with the elderly coming in second, as well as those with pre-existing conditions. A study reported in Health Affairs shows about half of all filed personal bankruptcies in the United States cited medical causes as the reason. This study also found that 75.7 percent of those that filed bankruptcy had health insurance at the onset of illness.

TODAY IS MY 33rd BIRTHDAY!!!
I’m so happy it is my birthday! I’ve already sung to myself several times!!!
This day is glorious. I’m happy today, on my birthday!

In honor of my birthday, I’d like to share the following words authored by David Culiner. You can get more information at www.lovethislife.net. YOU ROCK, David, for your words of wisdom to the world. I’m thrilled to share them.

Love this Life… is about celebrating the moment
and that we’re not guaranteed or owed another day
and how cool it is that what we hide can actually be the fuel towards our glory
and that it’s not so bad being proven wrong

Love this life… is about welcoming the blind turn
and the possibility that there’s no such thing as coincidence
and that empathy is incredibly sexy
and that it’s never too late to pick up a guitar or a paintbrush
or to make an amend
or to make a new friend

Love this life… could be rekindling a past flame
or igniting a new one
or shapeshifting from a dreamer into a doer
or savouring the caress of a love long gone

Love this life… means whatever it is you want it to mean because
Love this life… is a celebration of you and your path

Love this life… cuz’ it could go at any second

you rock

© 2003, David Culiner