Gonzalez Visit I

November 18, 2007

My meetings with Nicholas Gonzalez, MD on November 15 and 16 went exceptionally well. I explained his protocol briefly in my last blog. After reviewing the results of my diagnostics that he performed, Gonzalez shared that even with a tumor, several of my diagnostics demonstrate a very high state of health, some of which is most unusual in a new cancer patient to his practice. He feels that my health state is a reflection of some of the treatments and therapies I've had over the last several years. Moreover, he believes that as a result, I will perhaps be even more responsive to his protocol. Gonzalez indicated that I have an 80 to 85 percent chance of responding to his treatments with tumor stabilization, reduction, and maybe even eradication. People that do not respond to his protocol traditionally are not compliant or have had prior therapies that make them unresponsiveness.

There is much to share about the Gonzalez protocol. I will write more about the protocol in future blogs.
I'll convey one important tidbit from Gonzalez and my own learning over many years about cancer and nutrition in general. There is no such thing as a one size fits all cancer diet. There is no such thing as a one size fits all diet for any person. We are all individuals. I will explain more about the rationale behind different diets in another blog.

In closing, I'll share that I am optimistic and hopeful. And the evidence of this protocol's efficacy for me must be revealed over time. I'm ready...

Catalyzing into New Directions

November 13, 2007

I have some news that has been percolating in my life like tea leaves maturing their unique flavors and therapeutic qualities, and like buds christening into blossoms.

During my mid-August mold exposure and very stressful two weeks of staying with friends, searching for housing, finding an apartment, and moving, something very distinctly shifted in my body and I began a downhill cascade into the sickest place I’ve ever experienced in this lifetime. I know the moment it shifted. I had just packed half of my Oakland apartment and was driving back to my friend’s house.

By the end of August, along with my vast and bizarre symptom profile, I increasingly felt pressure in my head around the tumor site. I have had sensations in my head before, and especially around scan time, but these sensations seemed more pronounced. I had a scan on September 12th at San Francisco Magnetic Resonance Center. Sadly due to the state of health care in America, I paid $650 cash for my MRI because that was cheaper than going through my health insurance. These are disgusting times in America where profit is indeed valued over human life.

I left my scan with film images of my brain, but no report. I took a peak in the waiting room at the MRI facility and saw tumor growth. The report was faxed to me that evening, and confirmed some growth since my last scan in the USA. Unfortunately, one of the disadvantages of having two scans in Germany is that my MRI report is in German (aside from the tumor measurements), and I only have a report from my June 2006 scan, and not one from my December 2006 scan. I’m trying to acquire the December report.

Since I was feeling unwell with symptoms I will not describe here, and dealing with the news of tumor growth, I was a mess! My angel brother John used family air miles and jumped on a plane the next day. He arrived in San Francisco and I was the happiest sister in the world! I’ll post a lovely photo of John and I when I learn that technical prowess.

Conventional Neuro-Oncology
On September 14th, John and I ventured to meet with Dr. Recht at Stanford. Due to my myriad of intense symptoms, I was beginning to wonder if the tumor had become more aggressive, or high grade. John made me laugh a little bit and handed me tissues as I cried describing my symptoms to the Stanford resident we met with before Recht. I was impressed with the resident’s approach to gathering a high level of detail about my medical history and current predicament. It was my first time at Stanford.

Recht glided into the consult room and stated very clearly that he did not see any signs of the tumor being high grade. He insisted my symptoms were not related to the location of the tumor in my head. Recht said he wanted to do testing to evaluate my chromosomal abnormalities from my original tumor block to see if I might be sensitive (or more responsive) to oral chemotherapy. Interestingly, other doctors might be much more inclined to suggest surgery, but Recht recommended oral chemotherapy if I had the chromosomal abnormalities. He said that I did not need to take action immediately, but definitely within the next year. Now, two months later, I’ve finally confirmed that the National Institutes of Health (where I had my surgery in 1998) lost my original tumor block. Recht said he could perform the testing from a tumor slide if I can locate one through another medical institution where I’ve consulted.

Recht is a New Yorker and very direct. He explained things that other doctors have not ventured into previously. And he affirmed much of what I already suspected.

He explained that surgery does not statistically improve survival. Others disagree with this position, and conflicting research papers have been published on the topic. I had a difficult surgery in 1998 and subsequent recovery, which gave me more time. Recht said my surgery was a case in point because glioma tumors almost always grow back after surgery. I’ve known this since my journey into the brain tumor world from meeting patients at conferences that had up to 4, 5, or 6 brain surgeries if they made it that far. I always knew in my heart that was not my life. I would find another way.

He said that neuro-oncologists can tell patients they have stable disease even when there is tumor growth. For slow growing tumors, he said there is almost always a little bit of growth on the scan that might not be visible to most eyes. I suspected this when my last neuro-oncologist in the USA measured my MRI scan with a business card in January 2006 in response to my uncertainty about whether or not the tumor had grown. I also had the January 2006 scan at the private MRI center where I paid cash, and I did not receive the report from the radiologist until after my meeting with the neuro-oncologist. The report indicated tumor growth since the measurements where larger compared to my summer 2005 scan. Since I had concerns, I phoned the neuro-oncologist, who would not speak to me by telephone about the report and required another in person appointment to address my questions. Instead, I conversed with a nurse who explained that doctors look for enhancement patterns and fluid-attenuated inversion recovery (FLAIR) on scans. I really do not understand FLAIR, but it has something to do with measuring healthy and unhealthy tissue and its relationship to fluid. Someday I will sit down with a radiologist to have these components explained to understand how the tumor has grown and not grown over the last several years.

Recht was very upbeat about my situation and said not to worry. John and I left smiling and even laughing about the harp player in the lobby. The music sounded like a funeral home. Sometimes hospitals are just that.

That evening, John and I researched oral chemotherapy’s efficacy against low-grade brain tumors. Disappointed with study results, we learned oral chemotherapy is a short-term intervention and often has short-term efficacy in patients. I spoke to Recht about this and he emphasized hopeful possibility that all patients respond differently. I studies still indicate it as a band-aid until the wound bleeds through once again.

People sometimes ask me why I do not have another surgery, use chemotherapy, and radiation. I've covered surgery and chemotherapy, but what about radiation? I inquired with Recht about radiation, and have asked other docs about it over the years. The consensus is that radiation is used in brain tumor patients as a last resort. It can only be used once on the brain, in part because radiation can cause brain damage. I'm sure there might be some docs that have other views on the role of radiation against brain tumors. Medicine is much more art than science, and standard care for brain tumors does not really exist.

And then I realized more clearly the difficult truth… there is no conventional cure for glioma brain tumors like the one I’m dealing with. Of course I always knew that deep inside, and now the truth is much more obvious.

Still determined to evaluate varied options, the highly knowledgeable, compassionate, and spirited Deneen Hesser, RN, at the American Brain Tumor Foundation gave me a crash course in brain tumor conventional treatments. She helped me think through potential treatment options and what to look for in a treatment facility based on my diagnosis. Low-grade brain tumors are less common, and many doctors and facilities are more likely to have expertise in high-grade brain tumors.

I then called another brain tumor organization and had a much different conversation. I was told to “stop questioning myself” when discussing the medication Recht suggested for my symptoms. Well, guess what, I will question everything until the day I die! I encourage everyone and anyone to question all things. Without a discerning analytical process about life decisions, and especially around one’s health, we are only giving away our power. My ability to question everything has allowed me to survive in this brain tumor journey for 9.5 long years and with a very high quality of life. And I continue to learn how to ask better questions of the world and myself.

Dark Night of the Soul
During mid-September, my health continued to worsen and even hit an all time low. The next month became the most difficult of my life, and also most transformative. Deep struggle is an invitation into more profound personal growth.

It would have been very easy to drug myself up and maybe even submit to conventional treatments immediately. I knew other factors where in the works and that I needed other types of care. I was diagnosed with a massive fungal infection, highly imbalanced nervous system, and more. I began using some new interventions, including customized herbs. With several therapies, I immediately started feeling much better in just a few days. My recovery has had ups and downs with consistent progress.

I am very happy to report that over the last several weeks I’ve recovered a lot of my energy, spirit, and more. I am very different though. As I was in the underworld, I found and reclaimed pieces of myself that I had long ago abandoned. I am now much more discerning, clear, and empowered in my core. This process continues, and yet the work I’ve done over the last few months has truly been the most powerful of my life. As you can see from my October blogs, I’m learning a lot about letting go, getting out of my own way, dropping my ego, and more. Most of all, I’m finally becoming my own healer.

Next Steps
And I have a new plan of action for the tumor and my overall health/wellness. I’ve been accepted as a patient with Nicholas Gonzalez, MD in New York City. His protocol consists of three parts: enzymes and supplements, a customized diet, and detoxification. The pancreatic enzymes work against the tumor itself. The supplements are tailored to each person. The diet is determined through metabolic testing. The detoxification includes enemas daily and cleanses for organs such as the liver and gallbladder.

I’ve known about Gonzalez’s work for many years. I inquired about his protocol’s efficacy against brain tumors before, but was unable to collect tangible information until recently. Earlier this year, he was interviewed in a journal where he said that his treatments result in 80 percent efficacy for cancer patients regardless of their disease site. As Gonzalez said, 80 percent response does not translate into a few months, as is the case with many conventional cancer drugs. Yes, 80 percent means that his patients are living well long into the future. Gonzalez asserts that patients that do not respond are often not compliant with his program.

Gonzalez presented his results to the National Cancer Institute (NCI) through their Best Case Series Program. NCI was impressed and agreed to find a study of Gonzalez’s protocol. Unfortunately, the study never even launched. I personally know one of Gonzalez’s patients. The protocol saved his life. My friend who is a medical doctor had stage 3/4 lung cancer and used conventional treatments without success. After six months on Gonzalez’s protocol, all of his tumor’s shrunk and became necrotic, or dead.

Gonzalez’s program is rigorous, and in fact a lifelong commitment. I am ready and excited and honored! He also only accepts patients that he thinks will respond. I had to fill out an application, and felt like I was back in high school writing my university essays. I meet with Gonzalez this week and will report my findings and progress on the program. I will self-administer the therapies from my home in California. Gonzalez provides the supplies and instructions, and ultimately the power resides with each individual to use the protocol and create the healing.

Holding Perspective
In the meantime, I will continue to have MRI scans and evaluate my approach step by step.

I know the Paracelsus treatments assisted my healing. I felt better from them for a period of time. Ultimately, for me, that approach is not my answer.

And I wish I had all the answers from the beginning. However, that is not how life works. Often, we live it forwards, and understand it backwards. And I needed to learn many lessons along the way to arrive at my current destination. As I’ve said before, and will say until the end of time, life is a spiritual journey.

I’ll end for now with a beautiful quote from Rainer Maria Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves , like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

Soul to Soul

November 11, 2007

Today, I had the divine pleasure of hearing Gary Zukav speak live on the last day of the Green Festival. His message is holy with stunning wisdom. He is a messenger to the planet, and I invite everyone to check out his new book, Soul to Soul: Communications from the Heart. The following points illuminate Zukav's spiritual work for himself and the world. I consider it an invitation.

• Spiritual development is the root of all change.
• We choose either a horizontal path or vertical path for our personal evolution. A horizontal path focuses on changing circumstances in one's life. The vertical path requires changing one's self. Choose the VERTICAL path!
• The new human consciousness involves expansion beyond the limitations of our 5 senses. We are more than our minds and bodies. We are a SOUL! Our soul has an eternal existence. It is with us before we are born and after we die. The soul is an immortal presence.
• What is required to become a genuine activist or change agent? We must become aware of ourselves as creators of our own experience. We create ourselves through the quality of our intentions.
• Generically, our intentions are either FEAR or LOVE. Choose LOVE!
• We change our fear through awareness, and then addressing the pattern around the fear.
• We don't change until we intent to change.
• Awareness and responsibility are at the heart of spiritual development.
• A key step is the creation of compassion, including with one's self.
• And much more.

Zuvak's healing work is conducted through his organization The Seat of the Soul Institute. The Institute offers many resources on their website, including free online courses for spiritual development.

The Soul of Money

November 10, 2007

Lynne Twist’s views on money— that people are not defined by their natural circumstances, and real richness translates to inner strength compared to outer accumulation— provide those affected by cancer with a fresh lens. For too many, a cancer diagnosis can precipitate a deficiency mindset, and money required for health care can dig the hole even deeper. However, Lynne’s perspective invites a liberating reframing. Despite the presence of disease and related financial obligations, cancer requires people to negotiate crisis by accessing their inner courage and find a deeper sense of self. These are characteristics of life’s truest riches.

What defines poverty versus wealth? Lynne Twist, author of The Soul of Money, and a keynote speaker today at the Green Festival, offers a fresh new perspective on these labels. In her experience, people in Africa and South America, for example, have more riches than some individuals with overflowing bank accounts. Twist defines richness as inner strength compared to outer accumulation. People are not their natural circumstances, she says, and those who struggle understand crisis, courage, community, and more. She asserts that American culture in particular makes chaos out of money. Many Americans will engage in damaging activities for money, do work they hate for money, and give up their relationship with spirit for money. Money is often more important than human life in our culture.

Our relationship with money is embedded within the lie of scarcity. Twist describes the three toxic lies of scarcity as follows.

1) There is not enough to go around.

Our days are organized around what we do not have such as sleep, time, accomplishment. Children learn this belief at a young age through the game musical chairs. Reality television preaches the same competitive nature and "me" centered attitude.

2) More is better.

One example is that storage is the fastest growing industry in America. It is bigger than the automobile industry. Bulk supermarkets are another example.

3) That is just the way it is and there is nothing we can do about it.

Despite the overall current state of affairs, Twist inspires hope through her emphasis on what she calls the radical surprising truth. She (and others) asserts that the world is becoming structured around "you and me" versus "you or me." This is the work of the 21st century, and all of us. When we let go of what we really do not need, and make a difference with what we already have, life expands. To understand that everyone acquires what she or he needs is part of the principle of sufficiency.

As someone who has struggled tremendously over the last 9.5 years with health care costs, and felt shame about accepting financial assistance from others, Twist's worldview provided me with a new lens. The state of health care and insurance in America has contributed to the current chaos for so many dealing with diseases such as cancer. The diagnosis can precipitate a deficiency mindset, and money required for health care can dig the hole even deeper. I believe that when we see all of life as connected, and embrace what we really do have, life becomes much easier. As the doorways of abundance open, we then need to walk through the gateway.

Unity Consciousness

November 9, 2007

Deepak Chopra brilliantly inspired tonight through a presentation at the San Francisco Green Festival. He began by referencing that science tries to heal through manipulating molecules. He ended by emphasizing that healing is about returning the memory of wholeness. His message focused on the necessity for an awakening of the planetary mind's neural network through unity consciousness, love, compassion, creativity, and peace. He called for science to stop making artificial distinctions such as body and mind. We must see the bigger picture. All of life is connected. In order to survive, humans need to embody this understanding and act accordingly. And while our planet and human condition currently exist in the highest state of crisis, chaos, confusion, and uncertainty in history, this condition is exactly what invites a leap of consciousness. Chopra's new organization is Alliance for a New Humanity. He also played The Shift Movie.

Chopra's message directly translates to the need for whole being, person centered cancer care. And that the uncertainty for people with cancer and their loved ones provides ripe terrain for a shift in consciousness and leap into powerful healing.