No tumor shrinkage was visible through my MRI brain scan conducted on Tuesday, December 5, 2006. According to the black and white blurred image of my brain, there are no measurable changes to my brain tumor after six months of immunotherapy treatments at the Medical Center of Cologne.

The MRI doesn’t measure cellular changes, and therefore cannot capture how the immunotherapy treatments impacted the activity of the brain tumor cells.

The radiologist told me I’ve had stable disease for the last year and a half. Therefore, according to his reading, I already had stable disease before the immunotherapy treatments. Since low-grade disease is especially difficult to measure through MRI scans, I am seeking out a second opinion of my scan results, and from someone who speaks English fluently.

Of course I really wanted shrinkage, and I hoped for the ultimate goal of tumor eradication. I was told both were possibilities by the Medical Center of Cologne with 60 percent of brain tumor patients with advanced disease experiencing partial reduction, including 15 percent experiencing a complete response from the immunotherapy treatments. Dr. Gorter said he has less experience with patients who have low-grade disease, but said in general, the consensus is that the smaller the tumor load, and the earlier immunotherapy treatments are administered, the better. I therefore thought that the likelihood I would respond was higher compared to patients with advanced disease. I don’t know what expectations were truly realistic. I am striving to understand the exact statistical efficacy for cancer immunotherapy at the Medical Center of Cologne, and in similar models. And as I investigate statistics, I know that numbers do not capture truth.

Various cancer experts told me that dendritic cell vaccine therapy was the most promising treatment approach for my condition. Published research, including case reports and clinical trials, indicates some efficacy against brain tumors with localized hyperthermia and Newcastle disease virus. I now see the advice about dendritic cell vaccine therapy in particular came from statistical models, evaluations of systems, and perhaps medical trends, instead of an assessment of my unique, individual health status. In the aftermath of my scan results, I see much more clearly that my cancer therapies must target my entire body with emphasis on detoxifying and strengthening the whole of my internal terrain. This may well be one of the most important lessons I learn in my life about healing through cancer.

I wanted my scan results to show tumor shrinkage or eradication for everyone affected by cancer. Nobody can guarantee what will work for each individual. Treatment success depends on many factors.

I believe in improving health by activating and restoring the immune system through immunotherapy. I believe in the potential for life enhancement, and life extension with immunotherapy treatments. Strengthening the immune system, and body’s innate healing capacity, is a logical cancer treatment approach. Maybe this is possible with dendritic cell vaccine therapy in some patients, or perhaps there is a better way.

For many people affected by the disease, the healing process through cancer is multifaceted. Healing occurs in phases. Sometimes progress isn’t visible when progress has been made. Healing has its own timing. Healing is a process, not a destination.

I am very grateful for all of the ways in which I’ve benefited from my healing journey over the last six months. I am extremely grateful to so many people for giving me the opportunity to receive treatments in Cologne.

And yet, while so many people have given to me, and I’ve given so much to my healing, more is required. I have struggled since I received the scan results to understand where I’ve been through my healing journey, how I arrived at my current destination, and where I need to go next. Despite my current confusion, and momentary sense of chaos, something in me has been more awake in my vulnerability. Something in me has felt more alive. Something in me is accessing the deeper recesses of what it is to be human. Beyond the dark night of the soul, there is always greater light.

I will continue searching for answers. I will continue engaging my healing process.

And I will continue to live my life more fully. Last night, I went out with friends on the town in Cologne. I heard live music. I danced. I had interesting conversations. I smiled a lot. I laughed. I experienced affection. These are all essential ingredients in my healing equation.