Stillness, 10 Years, & Scan Results

Aprilish 2008

“In complete stillness, a stonegirl is dancing.”

That was part of a reflection card I pulled at Café Gratitude in San Francisco last Saturday. Café Gratitude is a raw foods restaurant with a life-affirming atmosphere that encourages connective self-inquiry and love, in part through the question, "What are you grateful for?” Along with the lively wall art, suggested questions are on game cards at cafe tables from The Abounding River Board Game. Diners may use them as they wish for internal or external inquiry.

My reflection card is very appropriate for me now as I engage my healing on deeper levels. I declined three invitations from friends this past weekend to instead spend time with myself. My life is extremely busy between health, work, and socializing. I often do not have time to be with myself. It is the internal stillness that I crave for my peace of mind and heart, for my core self-integration and healing. And this past weekend I found some glorious stillness that precipitated holy internal alignment coated with serenity- the experience of my own flow, rhythm, and connection with a larger life force. Sometimes I felt it for a moment, and sometimes longer. I danced in and out of it oscillating between opposite extremes. My thoughts evolved between highs and lows. I observed my thoughts, rerouted them as necessary, and tried to identify any beliefs associated with where I felt stuck.

My recent walks through the Marin Headlands and other nearby rolling hills have invited stillness and deep calm. Beyond some heated internal dialogues, my divine natural surroundings brought forth degrees of fresh clarity, new insights, and awakened wholeness.

Over the last few weeks, as I continue the Gonzalez protocol addressing the physical aspects of my health, I am now focusing more intensely on the mental and emotional components of my wellness. I’ve been stating daily affirmations, chakra balancing techniques via French mystics, Emotional Freedom Technique (a system of combining positive statements identifying limiting patterns with tapping acupressure points around the body), gratitude, visualizations, and more. Yes, I am ready for greater freedom beckoning on my horizon. The voice continues, “I have always been with you. I have always been right beside you. Beyond your tears and pain, I am yours to claim.”

10 Years— I am now officially a 10 year brain tumor survivor. The day of April 22nd marked 10 years from my surgery. I felt wonderful gratitude that day for my wellness, quality of life, and being alive! I spent the day at home working and received some lovely phone calls and emails. I also finished a liver cleanse that evening enjoying berries and crème (as well as olive oil, lemon, and bentonite clay). Somehow it felt appropriate to cleanse my liver that day.

Scan Results— And as if my 10 year anniversary did not have enough charge (yes, I do notice there is charge around anniversaries since body cells have memories and associate dates with experiences), I then had a MRI scan on April 23 followed by a meeting with my Stanford oncologist April 24. I had a “stable” scan. After 10 years, I felt more than ever that I am really tired of these MRI scans. The entire experience for me is extremely charged. Even though I thought I was completely confident about my health approaching the scan, part of me felt scared. Part of me feared the possibility of entering, yet again, a world turned upside down with undesirable news. I dance in hope. I dance in fear. And I continue onward. I reframe. I embrace each new day with possibility and promise.

And when I enter the frame of stormy seas, I remember the stillness. The divine stillness, the breath of being, which connects all hearts into the ubiquitous web of life.

"Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself."
-Hermann Hesse

I wish you stillness.